I find myself so scared lately. As much as I trust God, I find that my trust has an edge to it. A worry attached. Yes, I trust you, but what exactly are you going to do next?
My lack of worry over my children has always surprised me. I assumed once I became a mom that I would be a nervous wreck, constantly worried about germs and light sockets and sickness. But if anything, I became less worried! I knew the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Isaac that I was supposed to have him. That he was meant for me. When I was in labor with him it was discovered that he had passed meconium. A team was brought in to be ready to check him immediately after birth. I was not scared in the least. I had a sense of calm and peace about me that I wanted to pass on to the people in that room. I could feel the tension from the doctors and nurses and the team of people that had come in and I wanted to tell them to calm down, that everything would be fine, that God designed this baby for a reason and it was not time for him to go yet. The doctor sounded surprised when she handed him to me telling me he was absolutely fine, there were no concerns at all. I wasn't surprised. When I found out later how worried my Dad had become when he saw the team walk into my delivery room, I apologized to him. I felt bad that he went through that worry when he didn't need to.
Things are different now. I feel jealous and selfish of my children. Instead of God's children, they are my children and I do not want him to take them from me. I think about the hard times in the Bible, the stories of Job and Moses. My own grief and hard times have been for the past 3 months. Job and Moses would laugh at my turmoil! They would beg for the trials I face. And that brings me fear. Fear that more is yet to come.
I know this fear is from Satan. I hear in my head, God has taken your mother, your baby, your cousin, your sister-in-law and your grandmother. He's running out of people. He's coming for your husband and children next. These are horrid, evil thoughts. It is so clear to me that they are lies and yet... and yet I fear.
It's easy to question God and I think he understands that. The important part is to continue to trust. It's important to remember that God works through generations. Right now I'm trying to praise him for that. He built Loraine's family knowing the support they would need. It took generations to build the family that is grieving right now. It took generations to build the family that is holding each other up right now.
Proverbs 3:5 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
My own understanding is that God is taking people from me. My own understanding is that God is making me suffer. Satan is feeding me those lies and I must not listen. With all of my heart, I must trust in the Lord. All of my heart. I cannot lean into the love of my children. I cannot lean into the love of my husband. They will comfort me, but they will not sustain me. Only God can do that. And he will. He has been planning this family for generations for this event, I have no doubt about that. Loraine will do more in her death than many of us will do in our lifetimes. God is not forsaking us. He is not punishing us. He saved Loraine and he will protect the rest of us.
And so my own personal challenge comes with this next verse. Psalm 112:7, He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.
I will not live in fear. I will trust in him with all my heart.